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Serious Changes

So... I'm going back to school. 

Way back in 1992, I graduated from University of Illinois with a degree in English Literature. Not the most useful degree, I suppose, but IBM was looking for liberal arts majors from U of I apparently (there were a bunch of us hired within 2-3 years) and I fell into finance. I guess I was good at my job, because they kept promoting me, but I was never really happy in the field. IBM had some pretty great benefits, including free tuition for those pursuing an MBA, so I briefly went back to school in the mid 90's with an MBA in mind.

Then I got promoted. This new job had me traveling full time and there was no way to keep attending school and I didn't really want an MBA anyway. Then I got engaged, got sick of travel, and decided to pursue the career that I had wanted since I was 10 years old -- I wanted to be a computer programmer.

I taught myself C (and html) and applied (again) to graduate school. I got in to DePaul (again) and in 1998 I quit my job, started working at a finance company that was within walking distance from my (new) house, and started taking computer science courses. While at DePaul I learned C++ and loved it. I eventually quit my "real" job, started working the morning shift as a barista and went back to school full time.

Then life happened -- marriage, death, moving, pregnancy, illness -- all the major life events and all at once. I forged ahead, but in 2002 something had to give, and that thing was school.

I started some businesses, founded a charity with family and friends and decided to homeschool my daughter. Meanwhile, I never stopped programming. I learned more about HTML, CSS and Javascript, then when Maddie got a little older and I had more time, I learned Python -- which I then taught to her. This ignited that passion once again and I started looking into web development. 

Last winter, Maddie decided that she wanted to give high school a try and I encouraged it. While homeschooling had been very fulfilling for us, we were having a difficult time finding teen groups and Maddie wanted to pursue more activities where she would be with other kids.

So, about 6 months ago I moved up my life plan. I thought I was going to be teaching Maddie for 4 more years, but that was no longer the case. I looked into programs and started learning on my own. I dove into web development -- Javascript, JQuery, MySQL, Ruby, Ruby on Rails.

Jump to today -- I'm getting prepared to start school tomorrow at Northwestern University where I am pursuing a Post Baccalaureate Certificate in Web Development. Yes, I'm 45. Yes, I'm nervous to be going back to school, but I've got to say that I'm excited too. I've always loved learning and I'm thrilled to be attending a great school to learn something I've always loved.

Wish me luck!

Thank god for coffee

So, this morning I woke up at 4am from a nightmare. I'm a pretty good sleeper, but if I wake up after about 3am I can rarely get back to sleep -- especially when my back is bothering me, which it is.

I lay in bed, trying desperately to think calming thoughts so I could get in another hour or two of sleep, but all I kept picturing was my dream. In it we were at a pool -- probably on vacation. It was me, Pete, Maddie and another younger child which was mine (Maddie is my only child in real life). At some point, I look at the pool and the youngest child is gone. I freak out and start screaming for help, only to see the child on the bottom of the pool. At that moment, I awoke.

Scary, right? 

I Googled the dream and supposedly the death of a child in a dream means that your inner child might be dying (I don't think so), or that you feel your child is growing up and doesn't need you anymore (possibly -- Maddie is 14), or that part of your potential is dying (hmmmm), or that you are getting old and transitioning from middle aged to old age (I certainly hope not!).

Whatever the meaning of this nightmare is, I am loving coffee today... and Advil. Bad sleep never improves a bad back.

Back to Writing?

Inspired by Claudia, I've decided to dust off this old blog and commit to writing on a regular basis. We'll see how this goes.

I started this blog way back in 2002 when Maddie was nearly 2 years old and I was finally finding a little free time for knitting and crafting again after the craziness of the whole baby thing. Over the years it morphed into a lot of things and I started a lot of side projects on the internet (including Black Sheep Bags, my podcast, the Pincushion Challenge, The Chocolate Blog, and many more.) 

At this point, I think I need to land in one place and write about whatever I'm obsessed with at the moment. (And I often become obsessed with things -- it's my nature.) 

If you still visit my website -- Hi! Glad you stuck around. I hope to get re-acquainted with you again!

(Oh, the photo? That's a pile of my dish scrubbies. Free pattern at Ravelry and on the blog.)

Sometimes you have to do things.

Maddie will be going away to college in about 5 years. While we are fortunate that Pete has a good job, and I haven't had to work outside of the house since I was pregnant with her, I'm sure I'll want to do something when she leaves. When I was young, I would work up to 60 hours a week at the Dairy Queen. Then after college I worked at IBM and often stayed late and I even worked quite a few Saturdays. What I'm trying to say is that I like working. I like being busy and doing things.

So, the question is, what will I do when Maddie is gone and my time is no longer spent homeschooling her. Five years seems like a long time to figure this out, but I've already been thinking about it for a few years and I'm not all that much closer to figuring it out.

Last night was the last night of my first photograpy course, and by taking over 1000 photos, I discovered a little something about what I like -- at least when it comes to photography. I love to photograph nature. 

And dead trees -- especially dead trees. And architecture.

And while I love being able to take better photography of my family... hey, look at that, a nature photo disguised as a portrait photo!

So, by taking the class, I found out a little more about myself. I'm getting closer to figuring out my future and I'm enjoying the process. I think it's time for another class!

15 Years

Pete and I have been married 15 years today. He left me little notes around the outside of the house -- he definitely the romantic one in the relationship. 

My yard is so sunny now

Trees, trees, trees. I've lost track of how many they have cut out of our yard this past week. I know there were at least 7, but if you throw in all the little ones here and there, it's probably over a dozen. And then there is the pruning! So, much pruning. 

A hard winter and an Emerald Ash Borer infestation in a huge part of the US and Canada, has taken it's tole on our yard. I'm sitting here with the windows open on a gorgeous Spring (nearly Summer!) day, and my ears are being assaulted by the sound of chainsaws.

Glad we planted a couple of apple trees earlier this Spring, although the 2 dwarf trees will hardly make up for what we lost. And thank goodness, mama Robin decided to nest in the lilacs, and not one of the trees!

Teenager

I have no idea where the last 13 years went, but suddenly I find myself to be the mother of a teen. She is a wonderful girl and I'm pround to be her mommy.

Back from Vacation

We just got back from a wonderful vacation in our favorite vacation spot -- Hilton Head, SC.  The weather was pretty much perfect, making walks on the beach & afternoons at the pool thoroughly enjoyable.

There is actually a little yarn shop/used bookstore on the island (the ultimate combo for our family!) and I bought some new yarn for the first time in ages. I even started a new knitting project!  I can't wait to get a little more knit up so I can post photos here, because the yarn is *wild*!

We came back to beautiful fall-like temperatures (and a broken washing machine, but I'm trying not to dwell on the negatives), and I'm feeling that cozy, autumn nesting thing.  

I absolutely love vacationing, but I love coming home too.

 

A Much Better Week

Maddie took this photo of Navy Pier from the car yesterday as we were driving up to Lincoln Park Zoo.  I thought it looked like it could have come from the early 1900's, so I did a little vintag-y editing.  

We had an awesome time at the zoo.  Well, really in the general area of the zoo.  This time we actually spent a lot of time walking around the newer paths to the south, which are quite nice, and then up past the greenhouse.  So much more than just an isolated zoo.  

And of course we had to stop for some treats -- gluten free cupcakes from Swirlz.  So tasty!

I'm very glad to put the first half of August behind me, this week has been much more to my liking.  We're easing into school, working on the garden and I even made a few more jars of jam -- mixed berry this time.  I'm looking forward to Autumn and a general slow down after the Summer craziness.

 

Well, this sucks.

Yesterday -- which happened to be the anniversary of my dad's death -- my sweet bug-a-boo started having seizures.  They continued through the night and this morning we said out goodbyes to this amazing old lady.  I mean, what cat lives to be 19, right?

She's been my companion since before I had a husband or daughter -- back when I was just a kid myself.  Just me and her -- two ladies on our own.  I miss her already and I'll miss her forever.

I hate August.

Of Birthdays and Car Crashes and Chiropractors

So, one day after my last post I turned 42 -- not that that has anything to do with my lack of posting except tangentially.  See, I messed up my back (old age affliction?  perhaps.)  Add that to my usual, chronic neck and shoulder pain, and I haven't felt like doing much. Then, on my way to the chiropractor for an adjustment and massage this week, a guy pulled out in front of me (he had a stop sign, I didn't) and hit me sort of crooked/head on-ish. 

So, I've been sitting with a heating pad on my back, taking Advil and waiting for this to pass.

So Cliche

I bought a treadmill -- on New Year's Day.  Is there anything more cliche than that?  And my New Year's resolution?  To read blogs while walking on said treadmill. (Thus, hopefully, spending less time online and keeping fit.)  If I'm not on the treadmill -- I don't want to be surfing the net.  (I bought the NordicTrack C900, btw.)

As a result of some health issues, I haven't been able to fully participate in my usual workouts -- Pilates and yoga (acid reflux issues) and my elliptical machine (hip flexor pain and tightness).  I love to walk and did so in the Summer, but I'm not a fan of inclement weather.  I think the treadmill will be a perfect fit since I can use it while on the computer or while reading on my iPad.

On this first day of the New Year, I'm actually looking forward to making some changes in my life:  finding out what I want to do as career now that Maddie is getting older, working on getting the house organized, and selling some of the items I have sitting in bins in my spare room.  I plan to read a lot, continue my exploration of gluten free baking and cooking, and step away from the computer and toward some of the creative projects that have languished this past year.

Happy New Year!  May 2012 be a super year!

 

Bad News

Mud this afternoon -- not too happy with Mama after the trip to the vet.

Mud is 18, so I expect health problems.  She is on prescription food and medicine for a thyroid condition, but she's been healthier and happier the last couple of years, since going on the meds, than she had been in probably a decade. 

Despite that, every yearly check-up is cause for alarm.  Last year I was scared to take her in, but this year I was pretty confident that things were going well.  Then the doctor told me that she had a tumor -- a somewhat large one -- in her belly.  Since Mud is 18 and is showing no symptoms (although she lost 1 lb in the past year), the doctor recommended just leaving things be.  We have no idea how long she has left, but every day for the past couple of years has seemed like an extra day with her to me.  I just hope there are many good days left for her and that she feels happy and comfortable through them all.

Mud has been with me longer than my daughter and husband.  When we do have to say goodbye to her, it's going to be terrible.  She was with me through some lonely, difficult years in my 20's and she is a wonderful companion.

Grandpa Klotz

Love this photo of my grandpa in his pharmacy.  Thanks to my Aunt Gretchen for sending this, and many other wonderful photos, to me recently.

The Calm Before the Storm

The second half of September gives us a bit of a breather -- Summer is winding down, we're back to homeschooling and the craziness of October has not yet hit. 

I'm taking some time to get ahead of the game.  Heck, I even bought Maddie's Halloween costume already!  I'm also trying to take some time to do activities that I enjoy, but have neglected becasue of the summer heat.  I actually worked on my log cabin quilt yesterday and I'm hoping to pick up the knitting needles this evening. 

Ah autumn, how I love you!

Coping with Magazines

I love magazines -- always have.  In fact, I remember getting Highlights as a child and saving every issue. 

At one point during my 30's, I was getting a ridiculous number of subscriptions, and over the past several years I have cut way back.  I still like to indulge in a magazine binge every once in a while though and today was a good day for such things.

It's the 12th anniversary of my dad's death -- he died suddenly when he was only 49.  I'm in my 40's now and it all freaks me out a bit.  Then there is the annual charity event we hold in his name -- which is today.  Sometimes I feel like it is just too much of a reminder that he is gone -- a constant reminder year after year.

Since I haven't really slept for the past two nights and I needed a little comfort, it was time for a magazine binge.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I can hunker down, have a good look at them and get back to thinking a little more about life and a little less about loss.

Camp Report

Maddie wearing a bit of makeup from her camp lip sync performace.

Maddie is attending her last day of camp right now and after 8 weeks, she says that she is ready for it to be over.  She made new friends and got used to being away from me (although most days she would come home and say that she missed me).  She dealt with her first bully -- not fun at all, but I think she handled it well.  She played a lot of dodgeball, went swimming, performed for an audience, and got her first tan.  (Before her celiac disease diagnosis last fall, she could never go in the sun without breaking out in a terrible rash.)

As for me?  I picked berries twice, made jam and worked on a new quilt.  I also started taking walks by myself in the mornings -- until the crazy heat wave hit, that is.  I worked and did what I usually do for the most part.

I'm ready for her to be home with me again.  After the first week, I was able to sleep a bit better, but I never really got used to having her gone all day.  I am a worrier, and I worried a lot. 

Now it's time to think about school.  I'm giving her a week off after camp ends, but then we are getting back into the thick of it -- this year there will be calculus and perhaps a new language as she finishes up her third year of Spanish.  We are also planning some field trips -- the first being the Museum of Science and Industry at the end of August. 

I'm glad that Maddie tried camp this summer -- it was good for both of us -- but I'm equally glad that she'll be back with me again next week.

What I did on My Summer Vacation: Day 1

Since Maddie is going to day camp, I have 8 weeks of child free days ahead of me.  So what am I going to do with all that free time? 

I have no idea. 

We have always done school year round in our home -- which leaves us flexibility throughout the year for vacations and random days off.  Plus, you don't spend the first month of each school year relearning what you've forgotten over the summer. 

So, I've never really had this much time to myself -- especially since I used to work before I had Maddie.

Yesterday was day one, and I have to admit that I didn't do much.  It was ridiculously hot here (as it is today), so I ran some errands and stopped at the library.  Exciting, don't you think?

Maddie is home sick today with a fever, sore throat and congestion, so today won't be very exciting either, but hopefully in a day or two Maddie will be back at camp and I'll have new projects to share.

My daughter is going to camp.

Sure, it's just day camp, but this is so weird for me as a homeschooling mom.  I'm used to being with her literally 24/7, and an 8 week day camp is a big deal for us. 

I'll miss our daily school sessions -- especially the part where she reads to me.  (Maybe I can convince her to keep that up in the evenings.)  But I'm happy that she will have a chance to socialize with kids in her age group.  All the other camps she has gone to have lasted only a week or two, which isn't quite enough time to really connect.

As for me?  I'll be left with lots of free time that I am not used to having.  I think a big project or two are in my future.  This camp thing should be good for both of us, but I'm still going to miss having her around during the day these next 2 months.

Morning Ritual

Today there are no workers in my house -- no contractor, or electrician, or plumber or painter or tiler -- just Maddie and I.  This means I was able to have a normal morning, and the older I get, the more I enjoy my routines and rituals.

My morning starts with a workout of some sort, usually a pilates type DVD, to get me up and moving.  On the days I don't start this way, I usually feel stiff and sluggish, so after 9 years, I still like to start my day this way.

After that I like to have a glass of Emergen-C and a bowl of whole grain cereal with lots of blueberries and nuts or granola before I hop in the shower.

Then it's coffee time.  Current love -- Intelligentsia Organic Black Cat latte made with my Rancillio Silvia -- 2% milk, one teaspoon of sugar, a touch of vanilla and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top.

I know the workers will be back soon, but today it was a real treat to be able to indulge in my old routine.

 

Hexagons and English Paper Piecing

This weekend I took a much needed trip to the local quilt shop to browse and get some inspiration.  I came home with a bunch of cream colored 1/4 yard cuts of fabric for a project I've been thinking about, some cream thread (boring, right?) and some tiny paper hexagons.  I've been wanting to try English paper piecing for a long while and I vowed that this year I would do some of these projects I've been thinking about. 

For me, 2010 was a thinking year.  I don't feel like much doing happened.  This year I want things to be different, which probably means less internet and more crafting, baking, homemaking and such. 

So back to the hexagons.  Maddie wanted to watch the 3rd LOTR movie, so I sat down with my bag o' scraps, the die cut hexies and a needle and thread.  And while I did discover that my eyes are so bad that threading a needle is pure torture which requires many minutes of squinting, attempting and mostly failing, I also discovered that I love this kind of handwork and I can mostly do it even with my bad eyesight. 

This is all sort of a revelation, because I had thought this kind of work was behind me.  I used to love piecework, cross stitch, embroidery and the like, but lately it is more distressing than relaxing since I just can't see well enough. 

So I'm going to continue with my hexies, and even try getting a new pair of glasses.  Hopefully this will get me moving on projects I can still do instead of worrying about projects I can't.

Going Gluten-Free

The last few weeks have been stressful, as Maddie was ordered to have some tests after her annual physical.  This lead to a Celiac Disease diagnosis, a trip to see a specialist (a pediatric gastroenterologist) and a switch to a gluten-free diet.

Let me just say that you do not realize how prevalent gluten is in the American diet.  Nearly all processed foods have some form of it, and even a little bit can trigger the autoimmune response.  This will definitely be a learning experience for us.  We are quickly finding alternatives for things like cereal and pasta, and fortunately,  we don't eat a huge amount of processed foods.  So the switch is going pretty smoothly. 

Since I am a baker, and like to make most of our desserts from scratch, this will be a real change for me.  I mean, how do you bake without wheat flour?  I'm thinking about starting a gluten-free blog where I can talk more about our experiences and test out some recipes -- maybe review some gluten-free cookbooks and products.

If you have been diagnosed with celiac disease, I would love to hear from you! 

I've been at the beach...

We went to the beach this past week.  It was a lazy vacation, where the biggest events were walks on the beach, eating lots of fresh seafood and some swimming.

There was a bit of sandcastle building, and shell collecting during our long walks on the beach.  I miss it a little bit already, but I'm also very glad to be home.

Obligatory family self-portrait.

Feeling Blah...

A family friend died suddenly this past week -- she was only 59.  She worked with my dad years ago and our families became quite close.  I remember many weekends spent at their house when we were growing up.

In addition, allergies are hitting out household pretty hard and the lingering summer heat is feeling harsh after the reprieve we had earlier in the week.

This weekend (other than attending a wake, which is never good) we are attempting a little home DIY to repair some water damage in the front hall ceiling.  I'm thinking that a margarita will be in order this evening.  Wouldn't you say?

"ZERO IS 1"

I missed my 8 year blogiversary.  Eight years.  Crazy, huh?

So today we were driving home from IKEA and we ended up behind this car with the license plate "ZERO IS 1" and I was really intrigued.  So intrigued that I tried to get up next to the car so we could check out the driver.  About a mile later he -- turns out it was an older guy with a pony tail -- got in the turn lane and we pulled up next to him.  Fortunately his window was down, so I had Pete ask him what it meant.  His response -- "The origin of everything we are."  Then he said something about it not being related to math and that it was complicated, and the light changed.  He drove off, as did we.

So, I'm still not exactly sure what it all means, but Pete and I discussed it a bit more and decided it was probably related to some eastern religion or philosophy.  After googling for a bit, I'm thinking it might have to do with Buddhism and the idea of emptiness.

Any ideas?

Sick, hot & kinda miserable

I'm sick.  This is weird because I never get sick -- seriously.  When I was younger, I was sick *all* the time, but several years ago I had my tonsils removed and I don't think I've had a serious cold since then. 

Now, while this is a bad cold, I think I could cope if the air conditioning wasn't broken and we weren't in the middle of a heat wave.  90 degrees in May -- I hate global warming.  (For many reasons, but that's another post.)  I can't complain too much because we have separate air conditioning units for our first and second floors, and the downstairs air is working.  This means I had to sleep on the living room floor last night -- not comfortable.  Oh, and I'll be doing the same tonight because the air conditioning repair man is swamped and can't come until tomorrow.

Blah.  At least I have a Sonic lime slush.  That's some comfort.

What I've been up to...

...attending Easter egg hunts.

... reading sci-fi -- namely Robert J. Sawyer's Rollback. (This is the guy who wrote the book Flashforward -- yeah, that TV show is based on it.)

... playing video games -- namely Pokemon HeartGold as my daughter is a Pokemon fanatic -- seriously.  Name a Pokemon and she know all its stats. Plus lots of Wii Fit Plus since our vacation is coming up and I want to be able to eat any goodies I desire without any guilt.

... learning more Python -- most fun I've had with a programming language in ages.  May make a little GUI knitting counter for fun.

... battling pain.  I had a few good weeks and thought maybe I was miraculously cured -- HA!  Advil and the heating pad are once again my friends.

... drinking coffee -- hot one day and iced the next, because our weather is crazy here.  40's today = hot coffee.

Radical Change

Before:

After:

Back views:

And one side view:

It was time for a change.  I'm so glad I did it, but I was a nervous wreck between yesterday when I made the appointment and this afternoon when I was in the chair.  I love Trisha at VIP Salon -- she did a great job!

On turning 40

Well, the day has arrive.  I'm 40.  And while I generally like my birthday, this one has been tough for me.  I suppose it's because I expect a lot of changes to happen in my 40's -- possibly going back to school, going back to work (doing what, I still have no idea) and watching Maddie grow up and leave the nest (I know she's only 9, but where did those last 9 years go?)

So while I could do a "40 things about me" post, or "40 things I want to do" post.  I think I'll just go have a margarita, some delicious tacos from Twisted Lizard and try not to think about all the things I need to figure out in the next decade.

Thanks.

I just want to say thank you to each and every person who buys something at Amazon through my links, and to everyone who purchases one of my knitting patterns, and to everyone who stops by BoogaJ (especially everyone who leaves comments, so I know I'm not writing out in the void).

Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom is not always easy.

Thank you.

Where have I been?

I've been getting new glasses for myself, Pete and Maddie.  Maddie's first pair!

Eating fancy looking chocolates from J. Truffles which I'll be reviewing over at the Chocolate Blog later this week.

I've been drinking mochas using Caribou Coffee's new drinking chocolate -- so yummy!

And I've been reading, shopping for yarn, knitting, shopping for holiday presents and generally keeping busy.  I'm hoping to get back to posting on a regular basis and will be talking about Lynne Barr's new book -- Reversible Knitting -- here tomorrow!

FIT IS GO!!

I have an orange car.

Yipee!!!

Stray Cats

A couple weeks ago these cute kittens visited (do you see the shy one hiding in the bacK?)  We call them Spot and Spike Jr. and we are beginning to fall in love with them -- uh oh.

 

This little devil comes running up to me whenever she/he hears me coming outside, but is still a little too shy to let me touch her/him.  As you can see Spot will come right up to you to see what you are doing and enjoyed getting photographed.

 

They have a mother who is always around, but often times out of sight (who we call slippers because of her white feet) and we think we saw Spot nursing the other night, so they may be young enough to find human parents.  I'm having my husband call COPE, who we have volunteered with in the past (I did their website and we used to clean cages) to see what should be done.  I've asked him to call them because, frankly, I am already way too attached to them -- especially Spot. 

Blah.

That's how I feel right now. It's cold and rainy and I'm itching to get to work on the garden. Perhaps my body is craving vitamin D after the long winter because I feel completely unmotivated right now.

So I'm going to write a list. A "to do" list. Something I don't usually do, but I'm hoping it will give me some things to cross off so I feel like I'm a productive member of society.

To do:

1. Clean out my drawers, donate what I can and try to recycle the rest.  Figure out what I need to purchase.
2. Descale the espresso machine (baby steps, I tell ya).
3. Get going on the new bag.  (Perhaps I should be more specific here.  Hmmmm. . . Knit 20 rows and revise pattern as needed.)
4. Review one craft book.
5. Review one chocolate bar.
6.  Clean out one drawer in the office.
7. Spend 15 minutes a day cleaning or organizing the spare room.

Okay, I think that's ambitious enough for this week since I know there are other things that will come up -- school, an order for Stamping Online, trips to the post office and library, etc.  Here's hoping this kick starts me despite the gloomy weather.

Flu

ugh.

39

So, yesterday I turned 39 and it was a good day. It started with coffee and a donut and ended with LOST, reading and chocolate cake. There were gifts, shopping, noodles and video games in between. Best of all, Pete took the day off from work, so I was with Pete & Maddie all day. And Friday will include margaritas, chips & salsa with my mom & sisters, so the celebrating continues.

I've come to terms with my birthday and I've learned to enjoy it. (This was not always so -- it used to make me depressed.) Do you like your birthday? Hate it? Celebrate it? Hide under the covers? Just curious.

Chronic Pain & Hopefullness

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you have probably heard me talk about my chronic pain. For years I've had pain in my neck/ear/shoulder that flares up at times to the point where it consumes my thoughts, ruins my sleep and generally makes me miserable (and miserable to be around, I'm sure).

If you have chronic pain too, I'm sure you've dealt with the endless cycle of going to a new doctor, getting a new diagnosis, trying a new treatment and then being disappointed when the pain persists. Hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment. . .

After 5-6 years of this, I had really given up hope. I take a lot of Advil and try to remain healthy (working out and eating right) so my body can do as much as it can to help me keep the pain at bay.

Last week I went to the dentist and he took one look at me, did a little test and he thinks he knows the problem. He thinks a disc may have slid out of place in my jaw. I go for an MRI today.

I'm not happy -- just nervous. I refuse to let myself believe that he may have found the source of the pain because I've been in this place before -- too many times. I'm trying to be hopeful, but I just can't be at this point.

Wish me luck in the MRI -- I'm a little nervous about it because I'm quite claustrophobic and need 4 different scans of my jaw. If this shows the doctor what he needs in order to treat me though, I'm willing to try once again.

2008 -- the year of politics, remodeling and more politics.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?  I'd love to say I did something crazy like sky diving or managing a hedge fund, but no.  I think most of the new-ish things I did involved food.  I learned to make *really* good pizza in my brick oven and recently I made aebleskiver.  We also made our own soda this year --- root beer and lemon lime soda. 

Oh!  And I laid a floor and bought my first saw -- almost forgot about that!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I don't think I made any New Year's resolutions last year, but as the year went on I decided that I had to start finishing up projects that were languishing and I did do pretty well there.

As for next year, I'm planning on doing more networking and just generally keeping in touch type things.  I'm a born introvert, so this is a daunting task.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  No -- last year was the big birth year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  No thank goodness -- had enough death in prior years.  We deserve a few good years!

5. What countries did you visit?  Again, I wish I had a good story to tell, but the farthest I got from home was South Carolina.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?  Financial peace of mind.  We were fortunate in that no one close to us lost their jobs, but our retirement accounts are looking pathetic.  I'm also looking forward to having a Democrat in the White House.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  November 4th -- the day Barack Obama was elected -- yeah!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Hmmm. . . not really a year of accomplishments for me.  Perhaps remodeling the "little eating room" as we call it.  Or finishing Maddie's quilt. 

9. What was your biggest failure?  Nothing specific, but this year lacked creativity.  I feel badly about that and hope to be more motivated in 2009.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  No -- thank goodness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?  My new laptop -- love it.  Love the freedom of not being tied down to my desk.  Love the huge screen.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  I wanted to start eating (and having my family eat) more local, organic, while foods.  We made progress this year on that goal and next year with the new garden, at least some of our food will be extremely local.  (Oops, now that I actually read the question, I realize that I totally answered a different question.  Oh well.)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  Bush -- but that's been going on for 8 years now.  And then there is Blagojevich (shaking head in disgust).  Oh, and I can't forget Sarah Palin and John McCain (who I thought was the best of the Republican choices until he lost his freaking mind during the campaign!)

14. Where did most of your money go?  Backyard remodel -- but it was *so* worth it!  (Before and After)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Politics -- it was an awesome year for politics and I thoroughly enjoyed watching way too much CNN and each and every debate.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?  Grapevine Fires by Death Cab for Cutie.  Check out the live video. Love this song because this is the first band that Maddie really got into. I can picture her bopping around the house singing along with the mp3 player while listening to this entire album .

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?  About the same.
b) thinner or fatter?  I probably weigh a tiny bit more, but I have more muscle (thank you pilates!)
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer -- thank you recession.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  Creating.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  Hanging out in the office on the internet -- love the laptop.  Now Pete, Maddie and I can hang out in the same room and I can still surf, work, etc.

20. How did you spend Christmas?  With family -- eating and drinking and breaking things.  Seriously.  This holiday season I broke a wine glass, a milk bottle and a punch cup.  Ugh!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?  I fell in love all over again -- as I do every day I look into my beloved's face.  (Oh, I'm cracking myself up here!)

22. What was your favorite TV program?  LOST -- LOST -- LOST   (Did I mention LOST?)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  As a general rule I never hate anyone.  I've been upset with people and I've disagreed with people, but I seriously can't think of one person that I can say I hate.

24. What was the best book you read?  Okay, I read about 42 books according to my blog (although I know I missed posting about some of what I read.)  I love the His Dark Materials Trilogy.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Can't think of any.  Most played albums -- Narrow Stairs and Wincing the Night Away.

26. What did you want and get?  A healthy family.

27. What did you want and not get?  A new kitchen.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  We watch so few films.  Favorite I saw in the theater -- Wall-E. Favorite on DVD -- Atonement or There Will Be Blood.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  Well, I turned 38 back in February which was quite a while ago.  It was a Monday, so I probably didn't do much of anything. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Winning the lottery?  I had a pretty satisfying year all in all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?  Cheap is the new black.

32. What kept you sane?  Sane?  Who says I'm sane? 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  I'm not really a stargazer.  I just asked Pete and he can't think of anyone.  (In the past I've drooled over Vigo Mortenson & Noah Wylie.)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  Women's rights & separation of church and state.

35. Who did you miss?  I always miss my dad.

36. Who was the best new person you met?  Hmmmm...  Not sure.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.  I will have another life after my daughter grows up and leaves the nest and instead of worrying about it, I'm starting to look forward to it.  For a time I was sad that she was growing up so quickly, but now I'm learning to enjoy it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.  (Politically speaking)

"You Are (The Government)"   Bad Religion
Hey sit down and listen and they'll tell you when you're wrong.
Eradicate but vindicate as "progress" creeps along.
Puritan work ethic maintains its subconscious edge
As Old Glory maintains your consciousness.
There's a loser in the house, and a puppet on the stool,
And a crowded way of life, and a black reflecting pool,
And as the people bend, the moral fabric dies,
The country can't pretend to ignore its people's cries.
You are the government.
You are jurisprudence.
You are the volition.
You are jurisdiction.
And I make a difference too.

I am a housewife.

As Maddie gets older and more independent I find myself with time to reflect on what has happened in my life and where I am going.  Lately I've been doing a lot of that and I've come to a realization that I have been denying for years. . . I am a housewife.

Sure, I have my two businesses and I like the extra income they bring.  But almost as much, I like being able to fill in that survey oval that says "self-employed" rather than unemployed, stay-at-home mom or what have you. 

And I also homeschool, which puts a spin on things, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm here -- at home -- pretty much all day every day.  (24-7 for you youngsters)

So what does that say about me, or in a broader sense society, when being a stay at home mom is something to hide?  And why would I even want to?  I love being with Maddie (I already fear the day she goes off to college -- yes I clearly have issues) and I love baking and cooking.  I love being the family nutritionist and keeping things running.  I love not having to go in to the office (but I miss it too -- especially being around other adults) and I like that I can work when I want and let things slow down when I need that.

I will say that I don't like cleaning -- I have a service for that.  But I do like tidying up and doing spot cleaning -- I like a clean sink, I'll tell ya!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have it pretty good -- whatever you want to call me.  I'm learning to enjoy myself in this roll and I really do cherish my days with Maddie.  I also know that this won't last forever.  As I said, Maddie is growing up and one day she will leave (god, that's difficult for me to write) and I will move on to the next phase of my life (which is exciting).

I always wanted to be an English Lit professor. . .

Flu!

I don't remember the last time I came down with the flu.  In fact, since I got out my tonsils a couple years ago, I really don't get seriously sick much at all.  So when I started to feel ill on Monday afternoon I was not prepared.  Whoa!  I'm feeling better now and my fever broke during the night, but I'm still weak and a bit queasy.  I suppose I'm lucky, a lot of people have been down for a week with this year's flu -- but let me tell you -- two days was enough for me. 

I just hope Maddie stays healthy -- Pete stayed home from work yesterday to take care of her, so I'm hoping she -- and he -- don't get it, yikes!

Feeling crappy

Something has got me down.  I have been getting terrible headaches, sinus troubles and general lethargy (which is aggravating my depression issues -- but that's another story).  So I'm sipping some hot tea with honey -- really wish I didn't use all my lemons last week now.  Allergies?  A cold? Am I getting my sister's sinus infection?  (No fever, so I don't think that's it.) Not sure of the cause, but I'm really feeling blah.

On a related note.  Where do you buy your tea?  I've bought mine from several places, including Adagio.  I really need to order some new loose tea now that the weather is turning cooler and I'm wondering who has the good stuff.  Leave me a comment and let me know your favorite online tea shop! 

I must have been good. . .

. . . because I got stickers.  Okay, technically the hygienist gave them to my daughter because she was so well behaved for the hour or so it took.  But Maddie gave them to me because I was a good patient.  I had root scaling and planing on one half of my mouth and I get to do it all over again next month for the other half.  Then I go back in 3 months for a follow up and polish and hopefully I'll be done for a while. 

If you haven't been to the dentist in longer than you should -- go now.  Don't wait like I did.  It got me a root canal, 3 small and 1 big cavity and all this other stuff.  Don't delay -- get yourself to a dentist and avoid my mistake!  (I feel like a public service announcement!)

What's Next?

I could show you a progress pic of my cross stitch sampler, but I have something else on my mind today -- well for the past few weeks really.

I'm wondering what's next for me. I'm at a point in my life where many paths lay before me and I feel like I just need to chose one, but I'm frozen with indecision. It's a strange feeling -- almost like there are too many choices, so I chose none. . . but time is running out and I need to make a decision because staying here at the crossroads is not an option for much longer.

Why now? Well, the past 6 months were very stressful -- we were in a holding pattern waiting to see what would happen with Pete's job and then when he knew that they were closing up shop there was the whole job hunting thing which is never fun. As it turned out, all the worrying was for nothing because he got another job right away and was only out of work for a few weeks. Now we are on a new schedule -- he's working longer hours and beginning a new phase of his career.

And I'm still here at home.

Now I'm not sitting around doing nothing. I'm still homeschooling Maddie and I have my two businesses. But Maddie is getting older and doesn't need as much help with things as she once did. And I'm losing interest in my businesses. Stamping online is almost 6 years old now and while it is going along well, It's certainly not all that exciting anymore. In fact, it runs quite smoothly and requires less and less of my time as I make refinements to my process. And it's obvious that I've lost my knitting mojo. I haven't had a new pattern out for Black Sheep Bags since last year.

So where do I go? Do I start a third business? Something new and interesting? Do I try to refocus on one of the existing businesses? Maybe I do something entirely different. I just don't know.

One thing I do know is that I need to make a decision. I feel like if I could just visualize what I want, I could make it happen. But what do I want? That is the real question.

The henna is on my hair . . .

OMG!

First of all, I wasn't prepared for the messiness of it.  If you have short hair, I think it wouldn't be so bad, but the long hair?  What a mess!!  Pete says I'll get better at it each time -- I hope so.

I ended up buying Light Mountain Natural Henna Chestnut which appears to be pretty cheap at $4.95, but you have to pay that again in shipping.  I *so* wanted to try the Lush henna, but it's been out of stock for a long time.

Wish me luck washing this stuff off.  I am very afraid!

Comfort Food

It's been a difficult week for me -- when you have clinical depression sometimes things that aren't that awful hit you harder than you would like.  I work hard to keep my life structured and secure and for the most part I am able to keep things in check.  This week caught me off guard although I'd been preparing my self for it since November.

Back in November I posted about a rough week, well one of the reasons that week was difficult was becuase it was announced that the company my husband works for was being bought out.  Now, this isn't a terrible thing -- but there was the chance that his job would disappear.  Well, this week that was confirmed.  Happy Birthday to me!  (My birthday is Sunday.)  I know that this isn't a bad thing.  We have lots of notice (his job is still there until April and the company actually told them they could job hunt during work hours) and I'm pretty crazy about saving money, so we have a nest egg.  And my husband will have no trouble finding a job -- he's so smart and good.  (Really!  Go read him!) 

But I'm a little stressed out anyway -- and I have a feeling that a bit of it has to do with my upcoming birthday.  I don't know why that would bother me either -- I love my 30's so much more than any other time in my life.  I'm so happy now and love my jobs  -- which include homeschooling my brilliant, funny daughter.

I'm neurotic.  I know it.  I try to deal with it.  How?  by baking bread, of course!

Yes, I finally decided to give the no knead bread that everyone has been talking about a try.  I have a lovely cast iron LeCruset pot that my mom got for me a couple of years ago and it worked beautifully.  (I've also been eating massive amount of chocolate -- thank goodness V-Day was last week!)

And I've been stitching:

I'm a good way through part 2 of the mystery sampler. 

So, I'm fine -- just crazy. 

* CRASH *

No quilt block today because I was in a car accident.  No worries -- I'm okay, but my neck is a bit sore and I lost an hour of my day. 

Basically I was driving down the road and another driver pulled out of a cross street right in front of me.  A police officer saw the whole thing and I was informed that I was not at fault.  Luckily I slammed on my brakes and didn't hit her that hard -- the speed limit is 40 mph on this road and there could have been some serious injuries, but luckily I was paying attention.  Maddie was in the back seat and became quite hysterical -- her shoulder hurt a bit where the seatbelt crossed it.  (We were both wearing seatbelts and she was in her booster.)

So now I have to go to the insurance agency tomorrow and the car will have to go in to the shop at some point -- thankfully it's drivable!  In fact, it doesn't look that bad at all.  (I love my Honda Civic!  Her car had to be towed!!)

Enough, I'm tired just thinking about it -- I'm coming down from the adrenaline rush and as I said, my neck is feeling a bit sore and I feel a migraine coming on.  I'm off to put on my jammies and have a peaceful evening on the couch.  I'm just thankful that Maddie is alright.

What is with the nasty people?

okay, it's the holidays. It's a little stressful for some. I have a raging headache myself today. But really people. Do you need to be nasty? Try some holiday cheer -- be good for goodness sake. I mean first I get this comment on the knitting blogs web ring:

Not really a public comment, but...is anybody monitoring the ring? I keep getting stranded because people are NOT posting their ring keys. Both MartaSchmarta (third link out from WendyKnits) and Unsympathetic (4 link out from Yarn Harlot) have been without ring keys for WEEKS and it's almost impossible to surf more than a few blogs before getting stuck. Sorry if I sound cranky--but with a waiting list to participate, I'd have hoped that the ones lucky enough to get into the ring would keep things up.

Thanks for being a problem instead of a solution! Happy Holidays to you too! (I am so glad that I'm getting rid of the ring right now -- sheesh!)

Then I just got a nasty email from someone else (business related, so I won't go into it here.) Please people! You are killing me! Why? Why? Why?

sigh. . .

Meme

Thank you to everyone who sent me good wishes.  I'm feeling much better about things.  The big piece of "bad" news will not be resolved for quite some time, so I have to sit tight -- something I am not at all good at doing.  It's stressful, especially before the holidays, but I'm feeling better about it as the days pass.  Heck, other people in this world have things much worse than me, so don't worry about me.

And the less bad piece of news -- well, I went to the dentist and I need 2 -- I said TWO! -- root canals.  Oh, and I have two other cavities that need to be filled (little ones).  It appears that one of my fillings that I've had since I was young cracked in half and that is the cause for one root canal (who knew metal could crack in half?!?)  And the other one was only visible in an x-ray -- the tooth isn't even giving me any trouble.  Ugh!  So that's the "not-so-bad" news.  (Although I'm pretty freaked out about it.)

So anyway. . . here's a meme.  I've got nothing else for you because I have tons of work to do and pretty much did family things, read and did a little work this weekend -- almost no crafting (yikes!)

You know the one -- everyone's doing it.  You answer with just one word. . .
1. Yourself: smart
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse): incredible
3. Your hair: wild
4. Your mother: social
5. Your Father: gone
6. Your Favorite Item: computer
7. Your dream last night: scary
8. Your Favorite drink: coffee
9. Your Dream Car: none
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your Ex: nothing
12. Your fear: bugs
13. What you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Who you hung out with last night? family
15. What You're Not? traditional
16. Muffins: blueberry
17. One of Your Wish List Items: Wii
18. Time: cherished
19. The Last Thing You Did: work
20. What You Are Wearing: casual
21. Your Favorite Weather: autumn
22. Your Favorite Book: many 
23. The Last Thing You Ate: scone
24. Your Life: good
25. Your Mood: quiet
26. Your best friend: BoogaP
27. What are you thinking about right now? work
28. Your car: civic
29. What are you doing at the moment? typing
30. Your summer: fun
31. Your relationship status: married
32. What is on your TV? nothing
33. What is the weather like? grey
34. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday

Rough Week

Tough News on a couple fronts. I'll be back soon. Maybe I'll even do some crafting over the holiday to perk me up. At least we have sunshine and warmer weather here. (I'm trying to look on the bright side -- literally!)

A gentle reminder from my husband. . .

Not that I need a reminder -- I'm a voter and I vote (ha ha -- get it?)  But my confindece was a bit shaken yesterday.  Let me explain. . .

We have a mailman -- now known as postal carrier or something (let's all be pc -- I know!), but we really have the old fashioned, friendly, *always* on time mailman!  He walks his route through rain and storm (and what's that saying?  well, anyway -- you get the idea.)  So yesterday I went out to get the mail at the usual time and it wasn't there.  Oh!  I think to myself, it's Veteran's Day!  Which it was *not*.  Pete brought the mail in when he got home from work and said something about me not bringing in the mail and I mentioned the whole Veteran's Day thing and then I added -- So do we vote tomorrow?

Apparently, we do.